I have many more items to add to the list of things that seem immoral but are

probably not: falling asleep with your shoes on, opening presents on Christmas

Eve, eating in the grocery store, most of the state of Florida. Only one item to

nominate to the things that seem moral but are probably not list:

Cheating on tests.

I have cheated on every test I can remember taking. I’m pretty sure I tried to cheat

on the SATs, though I can’t imagine how. It has always seemed so natural a solution

that I have only just started to question the tremendous moral generosity with which

I have forgiven myself. So why do I cheat, and why don’t I care?

Let me tell you! Any test that can be cheated on is necessarily a test of memory, not

intelligence. Filling in bubbles, circling A or B or the correct preposition – these, done

correctly, demonstrate at best a thorough memorization of information. I have no pride

in my memory, not because it is bad (it is not) but because it is just a finite amount of

storage space in my brain that I would rather fill with anecdotes about my dad, and

“I’m Alan Partridge” quotes. I will defend my intelligence fiercely, but I do not give one fig

about my ability to reproduce Facts. This prioritization alone says more about my mind

than any test score.

I will probably spend a day in purgatory for every correct answer I have stolen, but since

I am already doing at least a year for all the food I waste (12 hours for each uneaten egg

yolk adds up) I am feeling, shall we say, nonplussed.

Home